Have you ever walked into a room and your best friend was sitting there and you just knew something was wrong before they even said a word? Have you ever felt like something was wrong inside of yourself before you ever developed symptoms of being sick? Like, you wake up one morning and you just KNOW that today's going to be an allergy day before you even get a nose tickle?
Have you ever felt that way about your faith?
I do. A lot. My spiritual self examination comes with two predominant flavors: "Man, God, I'm just not getting it today. I know there is a lesson to be learned and I need Your help to discern and implement it." or "God, I need You so desperately right now because a thing just happened and I don't know what to do. I'm grateful You have me, but I don't know what's going on!"
My spiritual walk is a struggle and I live in complete jealousy of the believers in Acts. The freedom and complete joy they express just makes me green with envy. I look at news reports from across the world and hear about the persecuted church abroad and how those churches are flourishing and how bold they are in their faith and I feel weak. Anemic. Flaccid. Lazy. It just feels wrong.
I've even been guilty of what Francis Chan mentions, about how it's "...too easy to blame the American church..." I admit that I bought into the lie about how I'm not being led well and it's someone else's fault about why I don't go to church and I'm not growing spiritually and aren't churches full of hypocrites and blah blah blah.
In the end it was all excuses. My problem was me.
If I wanted to be led, I needed to learn to lead myself. If I wanted to grow, I needed to learn how to feed myself. If there are hypocrites, then I was in good company because guess what? I'm a hypocrite.
My problem was my identity. I didn't, and in fact still have trouble, identify myself as the bride of Christ. I couldn't see that the American church has just as much a portion of the Holy Spirit as the rest of the Christian denomination. All I could see is that we weren't accessing. Well, the Holy Spirit is alive and well in America, just as He is in the Middle East and Asia and Africa. Just because we aren't (yet) facing the extreme prejudice that our brothers and sisters are across the world doesn't mean we are any less loved and accounted for...but we have a great opportunity, don't we?
My biggest problem as a young Christian is that I don't have the perspective of just how big God really is. He's brought me through some trials and some fires, He's been present ever since I've surrendered myself, but I can't say that I've been willingly intimate with Him.Like Chan, my view was and still is "narrow and small."
Thankfully there's a cure for that. Bible engagement, getting more of Jesus, doing God's purpose, loving people...these things will prune me, fertilize my roots, and enable me to grow. It's cliche, but I need less of me and more of God. I have an identity crisis nearly every week. God has never questioned who He is. I struggle with my motivations. God has never questioned His purpose. I seek approval, but God has never NEEDED my approval. He doesn't NEED my love. He wants me for me. He loves me for me.
If I'm going to love someone I need to see my relationship with them clearly. I'll give you an example...
I love my cats, my students, and my husband. My cats are obviously not human. My affection for them is for my own pleasure. Their affections to me are nice, but if they decide to spend all day in the closet avoiding me, it's no skin off my back.
My students are special to me. I have close relationships with 6th through 12th grade students. I'm moderately involved in their lives and they in mine. We spend time together weekly and have deep conversations where they seek advice, affirmation, or just an ear to listen to them. If they decided to ignore me, it would hurt a lot. I'd get over it, but it would bother me.
My husband and I are madly in love. He's not only a peer but my best friend. I can get him to laugh and play the way nobody else can. He occupies a special place in my heart and mind. We are diabetes-inducingly sweet with each other. We can and do talk about anything...so if he ignores me, it's bitterly painful.
How then should I relate to God, in context of these three earthly relationships? He is not indifferent to my affections, but we are not peers. He loves me deeper than I love my husband, but He is also higher above me than I am over my cats...He is tender and involved like when I teach the students, invested in my development, but His overwhelming passions are too great for that view.
As we continue in Crazy Love, this disturbing and wonderful question should remain in our minds. God has never had an identity crisis. We are the ones with the skewed perspective of who He is...so let's discover Him more deeply in worship, in study, and in life. Allow the truth of God to permeate you and fill you.
